Bring them closer, push them away.

I spent the day with the best guy yesterday. He’s amazing. There are no strings attached when I’m with him, I’m comfortable. Walking, eating, listening to music and driving. Perfect way to chill with someone. Ok, so what happens when you get home, realize how incredible they really are and suddenly like them?

Bring them closer, risking what’s there for the minute possibilty they might have a crush on you, or just leave it – knowing it’s never going to happen.
Hmm. Fucking hate things sometimes.

Bittersweet Future.

“Today is gonna be the day that their gonna throw it back to you. By now, you should have somehow realized what you’ve got to do.”

Since I was 13, I’ve had a basic idea of what I wanted to do. It was continually a dream of something significant, flashy, and important. A lawyer was generally my only passionate choice. Maybe it was because I was so young, and merely wanted to be it since Elle Woods [Legally Blonde] did it with such class. And because I had the tendency to never back down from an argument.

That’s not the case anymore. Here I am. Edging on 16, being advised that I need to decide what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.
My report card was appalling. I know what you’re thinking; it’s merely a grade 10 report card, no big deal. Well, my parent’s reaction was ultimately suggesting I drop out as I virtually failed.
Every time something like this has happened; I’ve blamed everybody but myself. Now, I realize – this is for real. Can’t blame anyone but myself. There are no second chances. Unless, of course, you’re actually considering repeating. I know what I want to do and I know who I want to be.

I want to live in New York. So at the break of dawn I can run and watch the sun rise. So that I can walk down the street and have thousands of people walking with me. I don’t want a quiet, subtle town. I want a big, bright, loud city. I want to work in a world-famous fashion magazine, and write articles with such precise and class that I’m renowned for them. I want to be respected and valued as a person, not only a employee. All I want is to have a wonderful life. I want to be respected and acknowledged in my career.

The last thing I have ever pictured being is a Noosa District Grade 10 high school dropout working at Woolworth’s till I’m 60. I can’t believe that the suggestion is even being considered. I’m better and smarter then that, aren’t I? Clearly I’m not. I don’t have the motivation. I don’t have the will power; I’m starting to believe what I’m being told. That I’m going to fail.

I need to prove not only those who doubt me wrong, but myself. I need inspiration and incentive. I need to know I can follow through with my ambitions and succeed.

Where do I even start?